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Posts Tagged ‘sin’

Love-Part 2

How can You say, “Return to Me.”? Does that mean you want me even though I am so dark? How can You be so good? Really? You want me to come back? Even though it seems that I don’t love You? Do You know I really do? Because I really do. Do You see deep down in me that crazy thirst I have for You? I know I will never be satisfied any where else! You do want me to approach You boldly? I can be confident? So You aren’t really like what I thought? It seems I’ve thought wrongly about You! Of course You knew who I was and the mistakes I would make before You chose me, and You still choose me? What kind of God are You? You are gracious, compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness! How could I have forgotten!? You are love and if You are love, then how could You NOT love me? It is in Your character and nature to call me lovely! If you would not love me, then You would not be God! So You do love me, don’t You? Oh what a wonderful thing to hear! This is why I can approach You boldly! Love covers a multitude of sins! O Lover of my soul, let this truth and declaration of Love, that You are, would seep deep down into every fiber of who I am. That I would believe You! You forgive me! You are the God that says “Return.” and “Come to Me”. Here I am, my Jesus. I return! I come to You! I can only be satisfied in You! Oh that I would continue to see You rightly! You are love and You are in love with me! You have ravished my heart, my Beloved.

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I love you. Simply. Complexly. But Lord, words seem so fake. Words seem so easy to say but hard to do. I write, endlessly, of my love and devotion to You. For 5 years now. But then I can still do the exact opposite that I write. How can this be? Why can’t I live the standard, consistently, that I so desire to? I know it is possible. but why did I fail? Why did I give in, when my greatest desire is to be HOLY AS YOU ARE HOLY? When I say I love You, I mean it. But didn’t You say, “If you love Me, obey My commandments.”? So wouldn’t my lack of obedience, therefore, proclaim “I DON’T LOVE YOU!”? How can it be then, that You say, “Return to Me.”? I have forsaken You, the fountain of living waters! To hew for myself broken cisterns that hold NO WATER! It would seem to me that I should run in shame from the Holy One. That I should do time away from You until I am “good” again. Or if I do approach You, shouldn’t it be that I should do what I can to make up? Wouldn’t that be what You want from me? More prayers, more scriptures memorized, more songs of worship sung? Because You probably can’t stand me, You’ve seen the darkness in me. Let me try to cover up, Lord! You didn’t know I was like this, did You? When You let me enter Your kingdom, I’m sure You were expecting perfection. I know, I’ve shattered all Your thoughts of me, right? You can’t really love me knowing all You know about me. How can You love me when my heart has betrayed You? When I’ve broken the promises I vowed never to break? O Lord, how could You really love one such as me?

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These past few days the Lord has really been working in my heart concerning loving others. The first commandment is love God and the second is love others as yourself. So there is three things: Love God, love yourself, and love others. I struggle in all of these areas. Lately I have really had a hard time loving others, and not everyone, but certain people. The Lord is really exposing my heart. My first instinct, when they start bothering me is to judge and be critical. And I start to think about all the things that are wrong with them. Then the Lord shows me that really I am being prideful, judgmental, and critical. Oh how I want to be like Jesus! And when I start wrestling and struggling with something like this it shows me the ugliness of my flesh and the holiness of God! I desperately do not want to be like this! I was really struggling last night, just praying and asking the Lord to give me a supernatural love for others, and I decided to wake up my roommate (Carol) and ask her to pray for me. I could not fall asleep! I explained to her what I was thinking and praying. She then reminded me that back in August and September I was at a place I didn’t want to be and I kept crying out to the Lord to change me, and He did! With this situation God is going to give me grace and strength, and finish the work He started in me. My prayer and my heart is to love Him without anything hindering that and that is His heart too. He will answer my cries! I just have to press in. BREAK-IN GOD! Change me, and make me more like You!

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