The past few days I have been going through some journals of mine. I started journaling 3 1/2 years ago and haven’t stopped since.
I journal things that the Lord is teaching me, notes from preaching and teaching, but mainly my life. Its basically one big prayer to the Lord. I write out a lot of my emotions and situations that are happening, so I can get a different perspective on it. And then I cry out to the Lord to make me more like Him.
It is crazy the journey I have been on. What is so crazy is that Jesus still loves me through it all. Oh my goodness I can’t express it enough. How amazing is our GOD! I have been selfish, moody, hurtful, unforgiving, revengeful, ridiculous, jealous, full of strife and dissension and unloving. I’ve spent many times seeking other things to satisfy me. To fill this craving inside of me to be loved. This desire in me to be special. This desire in me to be someone’s favorite. I’ve searched high and low for it. When I knew that there was only One who could fill it. All of it. And He loved me. I didn’t even have to do anything to have His love.
There He was waiting for me to return, with His arms open wide. All I have to do is say “yes” to Him. And I ravish His heart. I just have to look at Him, give Him even a little bit of my attention and His heart is captured by me.
And you know what? When I realize this love, and I stop seeking all those empty things and I turn my attention to my God, oh how my heart is ravished by HIS love! I am His favorite (so are you, that’s the mystery with God), He does desire me, I am special to Him.
I was created to know this Love, and to love Him. This is why I exist. Because out of this place of knowing His love and loving Him, I am glorifying Him with everything I possible can. He gets all the glory! Its all about Him.
We like to think our lives are our own. But if we are followers of Jesus Christ, they are not ours. So here is my life Jesus! Take all of it and leave none of it behind! Fill me with Yourself! Do what you want with me, have all of me!!!
This is my life. The life of a weak, broken, dark human, filled with the Spirit of God, allowing (or trying to allow) the Spirit to live the life of Jesus through me. Wow.
This is an incredible post Amanda! I am really moved by it. I think it may be your best one ever! I am so encouraged by you because it testifies to my own heart what He wants to do with me; produce this undercurrent of lovesickness and hunger that is sustained even when I don’t feel lovesick or hungry! I think that He has you in that place and it moves my heart cause I know it’s where He’s bringing me. I praise Him for you, you are awesome, even in your wretchedness! Bless you sister, I am so glad to be here on the wall with someone so committed and diligently after the Lord!
You are an encouragement to me. Thanks buddy.