This is a little bit of what is going on inside of me recently taken from my journal today…
“I feel as if I should express on paper all that is whirling around inside of my inner man. It is a war on the inside. A battle between depression, self-hatred, and apathy and joy in Your presence, love, and fiery devotion. I am an extreme person. I cannot hang, in between, in the place of life as ‘ok’. It is either awful or absolutely wonderful.
I am not stable in my emotions, yet. It just takes one thing to set me off diving or sky rocketing. One thought, one look, one word, one song, one verse. But oh how I long to be thrust into everlasting joy and devotion never to return to the other extreme.
To believe, oh if it would become reality. The heart of my Father and the love of my Bridegroom. Make it reality in me, God! I am tired of agreeing with the enemy. This is NOT OK with me, yet I continue to do it!
Oh the wrestle in my soul! I have to be Yours! Fully and completely. I have to be grounded on the Rock. I give myself to pursuing You forever. I will not stop. I can do nothing else. Even with the wrestle and battle. Even in my immaturity and weak love.
Oh that I would have the depths of You! Oh that I would walk confident in Your love and walk in unbroken communion with the One whom my soul loves! I have to have breakthrough! I have to get over the fear of rejection. In my mind I look at everything as an opportunity to be rejected or I see it as me being rejected. And I have been living out of this place.
Let Your perfect love case out fear! I want to see myself as You see me! I am tired of the enemy having his way with what I think about myself. I want to declare, ‘wonderful are You works and that my soul knows very well’ and know it without a shadow of a doubt.
Jesus, I have to have greater revelation of You and what You did on the cross. If I did, then I would know the love and value You have put on my life. But I know there is nothing I can ‘do’, so here I am God, have Your way with me. Pour out grace. Pour out Your Spirit. Give me Your mind, Your will and Your emotions. Break-in God! Destroy whatever is erected against the knowledge of You!
It is a war on the inside, its the arena, to demonstrate my love for You.
I will war forever to be in love with You!”
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I am not perfect, and my life is not perfect. But One Thing is, and that is God! And I wouldn’t live any other way, or for any other thing. I praise You!!! I love You!!!
this is really really good amanda. I am praying for you really. I know the Lord is working so much out of you. I will keep praying that He breaks in and settles you in your identity; confidence in your identity. Keep waging war, He is training your fingers to war. And you have people that are warring with you.