The past few days have been days that I ask the Lord for, yet dread to encounter.
Oh the misery of exposure!
My soul is so very depraved! I am not who I think I am.
I want to be a girl who can take correction. I want to be a girl that has no offense in her heart. I want to be a girl who does not love the approval of man. I want to be a girl that people think is in a good mood. I want to be a girl who loves people. I want to be a girl who is humble. I want to be a girl who acts like Jesus. I want to be a girl who walks according to the Spirit and portrays the fruits of the Spirit.
Instead…
I am a girl who hardens her heart when corrected. And I assume whoever is correcting me is really coming against me and hates me. I am a girl who gets offended at everything everyone says to me. I am a girl who loves to be approved of by man. I am a girl who everyone constantly thinks is in a bad mood. I am a girl who gets frustrated with people easily. I am a girl with a heart full of pride. I am a girl who acts the opposite of Jesus, more like Amanda. I am a girl who walks according to the flesh, and portrays the fruit of the flesh.
Forever You are lovely,
Forever I am dark,
Forever You will see,
Jesus’ blood covering me.
I am dark yet lovely.
Anything good in me is Jesus. And I need Him so badly. I totally deserve Hell, yet because of His death, I will live with Him forever!
My heart is being exposed! I am laying open before my HOLY GOD! It hurts so much, and I want to reject it and cover it up. But I can’t! This is what I pray for. I pray for Him to crucify me, to kill me and to live through me.
And He is faithful to do it. Oh is He faithful.
ooooh sounds like a challenging place to be – and a good place! and sounds familiar lol! we go through seasons eh and the season of refinment and correction is hard, but oh so wonderful and lovely (in hindsight almost) as we know that in this place that God IS at work and IS transforming us to be more like his wonderful son, so that we may shine ever brighter and demonstrate his love and grace in ever increasing ways. in all the dying to self is life, new life, the life of CHrist in us and through us. forever He is lovely. i am sure that though you feel like your heart is hard that that is just part of hte process, i know it was for me. and God gently and forcefully breaks through till we do say, yes Lord, yes. your will, not my will. thanks for your honesty, it brings grace. blessings, fireball